This was the reason why I wrote #MyMemoriesWithBillie. It helps to remember those moments.
From the day I met Billie, till the day she left, our time together was never enough. Our friends would look at us as if we’re joking whenever we’d say, ‘I’ve missed you’ after being separated for an hour or two. Unless it was work, running errands, or spending “me-time” with friends, we didn’t have any reason to be apart.
I once told Billie that I have enough memories of our moments to last a lifetime. I didn’t realize how untrue that was.
Make memories with your love ones. Do it now. In the end, that's all you will have left and it will never be enough....
After 2 years, my grief has become softer and mourning less frequent. I still find myself reliving her last 48 hours. Each moment. The intensity of the pain remains but it is no longer as debilitating or depressing as it used to be. I learned that one has to go through it.
There's no shortcut, no reset button, no way around that kind of pain.
My chapter with Billie may have ended but I still hold close the things I learned while she lived and the lessons I discovered in her absence. I still feel her with me. Happier memories are coming back and I love the fact that I can talk about it with family and friends again.
I am grateful for the healing. I am grateful for the people who have helped me survive the pain and the friendships that remained....
In this life, everyone else is just passing through. That’s why we have to make time to spend it with people who treat us right, genuinely care, who make us happy and yes, people who can eat without reservation. Those who can help you notice how food truly tastes and the pleasure it gives....
Selfie “on the ground with the laylayan”. I almost forgot to post this. I went here because I wanted to see PRRD and the bloggers that I chat with in person. I left with a feeling of emptiness and sadness. The night ended and I believe there was not a dry eye in that crowd that listened to him sing as they watched the fireworks. The old people were shaking their heads as they sobbed.
I believe I witnessed history in the making. This is the first time this happened - people paying out of their own pockets to show an outgoing President. People from different cities and NGOs, organized themselves and showed up to be represented. Even the wives of the SAF44 flew all the way from Mindanao to show how much this president meant to them. Representatives of our paralympics team came in their wheelchairs just to be able to get a glance and hopefully take a selfie in person with the president.
We will never have another President "Deeeegong". Ever. Maraming salamat po, PRRD....
Somebody once told me that growing old is not for the faint of heart.
After a certain age, I realized that ‘old’ is not a number but a cumulation of life experiences. Some people would have survived certain tragedies at 18 that would break a person at 60. Some choose paths that are littered with tragedies at each passing turn in their 20s, that it’s a wonder they have any shred of humanity left for themselves.
Perhaps that’s why some wish to die young. They’ve had enough....
Pulled out a card from my tarot deck for today's reflection:
"The Star brings hope, renewed power, and strength to carry on with life. It shows how abundantly blessed you are by the universe as evidenced by the various things around you. It may not be directly evident at the moment, for this card follows the trauma of the Tower card. Remember that you hold within you all that you need for your fulfillment - the only thing that you need is courage. For this, you have all reasons to rejoice. To see this card is a message to have faith, for the universe will bless you and bring forth all that you need.
To receive the Star in your reading means that you have gone and passed through a terrible life challenge. You have managed to go through this without losing your hope. While you suffered, you perhaps were not aware of your own strength, but you are now perhaps recognizing that the loss helped you discover your own resilience and inner power. It is only now that you can really appreciate all that you have."
Usually parents would wish their children to do well in life, finish college, have a stable job, have a healthy family relationship etc. When Brian was born, the only wish I had for him was to know himself.
For me, nothing beats peace of mind. The kind you get when you've placated your inner demons and expanded your personal walls to extend to the horizon of life. I learned that the more you know about yourself, the more you focus on what truly matters.
Earlier today, Brian and I talked about how he got mindblown over a discussion with a friend, about life and perspectives. To the point that it even got myself thinking about my life as well.
I find it a brilliant way of starting a new year.
Going back to the basics and finding out where we stand in our life. Know thyself....